MINNETONKA, MN—Calling the behavior mean-spirited and over the line, poor little insurer UnitedHealth Group told reporters Monday that cancer patient Belinda Rollins had harassed the company until it finally agreed to cover her bill. “That woman called us constantly, from the moment our phone lines opened until the time they closed, pressuring us to pay $45,000 for the time she spent in the hospital, and we felt so threatened, we eventually did what she told us to,” said CEO Andrew Witty, adding that UnitedHealth Group had also received a series of intimidating emails from Rollins in which she bullied the innocent company into admitting both that she had met her deductible and that its policy explicitly covered her chemotherapy. “We were helpless. We tried putting her on hold for hours, passing her around to different departments, even disconnecting the call, but she just wouldn’t stop terrorizing our $440 billion company. In the end, we spent a fortune covering her life-saving cancer care because we were afraid she’d show up where we work and try to talk to someone in person. We felt unsafe.” At press time, UnitedHealth Group had reportedly decided to protect itself from future harassment by switching its customer service phone line to an unlisted number.
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